How I Help My Clients Develop Self Acceptance: It Starts With Me.

I recently completed my final shift as a clinical counselling intern (woot). In additional to business consulting, I am now seeing clients as a paid therapist at my home office and at Ok Clinical Counselling, a place that deeply shares my core values of dignity, integrity, and growth.

Throughout my internship I have had the opportunity to work with fascinating and resilient clients, most of whom are navigating deeply challenging waters. If I could embody the ideal therapeutic presence, I would embed this concept deep into their hearts and minds. I am confident it would reduce their suffering and enhance their capacity to build the life they aspire to.

1. Embracing Reality Through Radical Acceptance and Self-Compassion.

Radical acceptance continues to be a grounding concept in my life. I have written on this topic before. When I am feeling low, I have been able to reduce the pain I experience by accepting reality, versus struggling against it. For example, I might ruminate on a regretful conversation, combing for evidence that it was not that regretful. This struggle extends the painful feelings and insulates me from my own learning. When I remember to have self-compassion, I can explore safely. I can ask myself why I acted the way I did and think about how I could better manage my triggers. This practice creates a higher likelihood of behaving in a way I want to in the future, a way that is more aligned with my values.

Sounds easy? We all know it is not. I too feel discomfort in accepting that I made a mistake or behaved in an unattractive way. However, now I am learning to breath through the pain/discomfort of it. I show myself patience and self-compassion. I do not let a poor showing on my end colour my whole self-concept. If there is an action to take, I make amends with humility and the result often reinforces my relationships. Where I cannot make amends, I absorb the knowledge of my mistake. I see the mistake as a reflection of my own fallible humanity, not a moral defection. I mentally note how I might reduce this behaviour in future and compassionately accept why it happened in the first place, I think of my inner child and I tell her she loved and protected and that mistakes are a crucial ingredient of learning and growth. I can picture some of my business clients looking at me skeptically right now, but I want to bring the inner child up because I find it one of the most effective ways to tap into self-compassion.

Many people see radical acceptance as condoning, indulging, or giving up. However, radical acceptance merely equips us with the right data and map to make a decision and calculate our next move. This next move may be self-care or action; it could be applying for a new job, lacing up our running shoes, or calling a friend. It could be me having the discipline to hop in the hot-tub instead of balancing our family budget, because I can see that I need one more than the other to function well (and I love me a good family budget balancing session).

People often feel and express deep shame for something they have done (or not done) or for who they think they have become. We treat themselves with contempt, as if our current state is fixed or that past mistakes are the only determinant of their character. I have walked with clients who show little, if any, compassion for their struggles: they may not acknowledge the pain they are in; they may not realize the heavy, unrealistic, expectations they place on themselves. Most importantly, they might belittle and mock the small, brave, and significant steps they are taking because they believe these humble steps are below them. When actually, they are of the only foreseeable way forward. I have also seen many clients, and myself, learn to honour capacities, accepting our current footing and, with vulnerability, learning to fly.