It Must Be Nice: The Sentiment that Erodes Connection

"It Must Be Nice..."

"...to have a rich husband/wife/family"

"...to have a family business"

"...to have a nanny."

"...to be able to work-out whenever you want."

"...to work for yourself"

"...to work for someone else"

"...to be able to stay home with the kids"

"...to be able to leave the house to work everyday"

"...to have a wife/husband who is _______"

I have heard myself say things like this, both aloud and in my head. When I land on "it must be nice", I say it as a salve for my own jealousy, fear, or feelings of inadequacy. "It must be nice" is a separator, suggesting that other people's success or joy are merely only a product of their privilege or circumstance. "It must be nice" dimishes another's accomplishment, it reduces my ability to connect with them, and it stamps out any opportunity I have to learn from them. If I tell myself there is an inaccessible rule or out of reach circumstance that has kept me from a rich and meaningful life, I am off the hook to try and there is no incentive to risk failure.

I have also had it said to me. I remember a time a few years ago when I was at home with 2 small children, grappling with my sense of identity after leaving a dynamic professional role. An aquatance casually commented that "It must be nice to not have to slog it out everyday like the rest of us ". This careless and insensitive statement validated a gnawing self-doubt that my contributions were not as worthy, that my struggles were insignificant. I felt unseen. I forgot about my part in the years of strategy and execution that put us in a position to choose this. I also forgot that we did choose this.

The thing about "it must be nice" is that (usually) we have no idea how "nice" it is to be someone else. Most often, I don't know the toll it takes to achieve something or the stresses that are waking that person up before their alarm. I don't know their debt or their payroll. I dont know the illnesses they or their loved ones are managing, or the statements of unworthines that are constantly swirling around in their heads, sometimes the driving force behind their achievement.

What I do know is that, despite what it seems, pain and struggle is a constant in all of our lives, to varying degrees. We all have strategies to manage this pain. My preferred strategy is to open my heart to connection with others, neutralizing any arrogance or worthlessness I may feel, allowing compassion to flow between us. I recently heard Dr. Kelly McGonigal speak about the physiological benefit we feel when our compassion relieves the suffering of another. When we belittle the success of others, suggesting that their accomplishments are merely a function of their circumstance, we denegrate their humanity, rendering their struggles and journey invisible, their stories as undeserving of our compassion.

All of this said, there is systemic and informal privalege and disadvantage that underpins all of the choices and opportunities we have. On this day of Truth and Reconciliation, I consider the privileges I have had as a white woman in Canada and although they have not protected me from significant adversity, my adverstity would have been deeper, more far reaching, and harder to recover from if I was an Indigenous person. I am working to learn more and have a wider, honest, and more nuanced sense of myself within the context of Canadian history.

I have found the words of the late Ojibway Author Richard Wagamese in his book One Drum particularly grounding, he writes “I am not a shaman. Nor am I an elder, a pipe carrier, or a celebrated traditionalist. I am merely one who has trudged the same path many of this human family has—the path of the seeker, called forward by a yearning I have not always understood.” His humility is connecting, one that does not seek to separate or invalidate others but instead honours the deep yearning we all have to be seen. The human experience is universally marked by deep joy and struggle; I would argue that "nice" is not an accurate or validating reflection of anyone's journey on this planet. If we dig a little deeper, past our own insecurity and fear, we can see the struggles and triumphs that connect us all.