A Short Equation for Resiliency in 2023

For the last few years, I have dedicated significant mindspace between December 26th and January 1st to create a list of 8-12 annual goals that serve as my blueprint for achievement, connection and experiences in the coming year. This year in addition to this practice, I wanted to outline my process for resiliency, mostly to clarify my own learning and also, to share with my clients and loved ones. Life can be really, really hard: I am thinking about self-doubt, anxiety, comparison, envy, instability, addiction, disease, strained relationships, poor time management, financial uncertainty, lack of purpose and direction, regretted words and actions and the list goes on and on. In my life I have dug myself into each of these themes, many times without a method to dig out. Viktor Frankl, an Austrian Psychiatrist who endured horrific captivity and loss during the Holocaust, isolates life's sufferings into three categories: pain, guilt and death. In his book Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl postures that by finding purpose in our suffering, the suffering becomes worthwhile. For me, suffering is meaningful through this equation:

Suffering + Self-Awareness + Radical Acceptance + Compassion

=

Profound Learning

The resulting profound learning is incrementally useful to me and potentially useful to my clients and those I love. To be sure, the mindful experience of these negative emotions is not pleasant, but it is fruitful. For example, over Christmas I became aware that I was not invited to a particular event. I noticed myself mildly wondering if these people even liked me and, worse, if I am innately likeable. I experienced suffering. However, instead of drilling down into these feelings of envy or unworthiness, I leaned into self-awareness. I used radical acceptance to see clearly that I do not know the particulars and that I could not be invited to all the parties for a variety of reasons. I released blame and cultivated compassion for self and others. The feelings got easier and I was left with this profound learning: It is ok to not be invited to every event. I have friends that love me relentlessly and unquestionably. Regardless, it hurts to feel left out, however, this is an unavoidable opportunity cost of community.

All that said, life can also be really, really amazing: my days are marked with moments of integrity, service, mindfulness, self-care, moderation, growth, creativity, humility, accountability, rich experiences, simplicity, collaboration, financial freedom and thriving connections. This same equation (where joy replaces suffering) can be applied in times of achievement or accolades, it can cultivate a humility that seals these good feelings into our sense of self. These day I spend most of my time feeling pretty lucky. I have been supported and challenged by significant factors outside of my control and ultimately it is my living by this equation through suffering that has paved my path for a meaningful life.

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