The Borchert Agenda: 5 Suggestions to Plan and Optimize The Family Meeting

Thank-you so much for popping in here. This blog, The MLab Quarterly, is an offering of hope, curiosity and traction. I work as a strategic consultant with businesses, families and individuals to help clarify values and purpose and gain traction (movement toward goals and vision). These writings riff on key concepts that I workshop with my clients and today I will make a case for The Family Meeting, a concept that nearly always grabs the attention of my clients with children. First, let's bring some clarity to the picture I’ve posted above: In our house those under the age of 10 are not invited to The Family Meeting. In this case, we extended an invite to Zachary out of necessity and at best he was a neutral, albeit enthusiastic contributor. This picture does, however, demonstrate a point (on the list below) which is crucial to The Family Meeting: Have The Meeting Anyway.

I define The Family Meeting as a meeting between the heads of the family, ideally a meeting that follows a simple agenda and is scheduled in the joint calendar. The Family Meeting, both regular and sporadic, is the most effective practice I’ve found for creating alignment and traction in a parental partnership, and most importantly for me, moderating the pace of family life. To slow our pace down as a family, I need this reliable check-in to clarify priorities, evaluate opportunities, tune into resources, and orient to commitments. Trying to do much of this on the fly, between demanding activities, both degrades the joy of the moment and strains communication. Knowing that we have a reliable space to bring our ideas and concerns allows James and me to table conversations without anxiety. Through the strategies listed below we have built up credibility - within ourselves and with each other. We trust that these meetings will happen and that they be an effective outlet for our issues, ideas and dreams.

The Family Meeting is the most important meeting in my week, producing fruit that nourishes my health, family, relationships, clients, and productivity. That said, to get there I have often felt like a salmon swimming upstream. This effort is front loaded and it does get easier the more I do it. The clarity and alignment from these meetings make my life less chaotic. Below are 5 suggestions to Plan and Optimize The Family Meeting amidst the flood-rush of daily family demands.

5 Suggestions to Plan and Optimize The Family Meeting

1) Have the Meeting Anyway

I stopped waiting for the ideal conditions to make these meetings a priority. Like any important but not urgent habitual activity, these meetings help me think and moderate my pace: they have tremendous payoff for my mindset and productivity. Creating and following through on a commitment to yourself builds self-credibility, no matter how tiny, it is like how ice splits rock, the small habit creates space in your brain to create space in your life. If you end up with 5 mins for a family meeting that you planned for an hour, have it anyway. Look at your agenda and discuss the most import item. A child wakes up from a nap early, tackle the top two items. If nothing else, schedule the next meeting, and mention one thing to your partner that is going well. Your brain will register the commitment kept and your boundaries may be easier to defend for the next meeting.

2) Create A Standard Repeatable Agenda,

Create an agenda and if possible, print it out with a section for notes and follow-up items. It can be as simple as 1) Schedule Next Meeting, 2) Calendar, 3) Issues. I print our agenda out and keep it on a bulletin board near our kitchen. I will attach our Family Meeting Agenda for a 90 minute meeting for a starting point, often we don't have time for everything and we choose the most important stuff.

Family Meeting Agenda.pdf

Download PDF • 152KB

3) Seek to Understand, Then Be Understood.

This is one of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and it is gold. See if you can repeat your partner’s perspective back to them and then ask, “Did I get that right?”. When I get that burning urge to wedge my two cents into conversation whether with James or a larger group, I try to use that feeling as a cue to tuck my thought away and re-engage in listening. The effects are both magical and satisfying.

4) Same Day + Time + Place.

Try to have your meeting at the same time and day of the week and at the same spot. This continuity reduces confusion and helps create a habit. If this isn’t possible, schedule and commit to the next meeting as the first action item of the meeting. I bolded commit because rescheduling The Family Meeting to pivot to other demands seems easy and cost-less, however it isn't. I resist the temptation modify unless absolutely necessary, as this flexibility can dilute the effectiveness and staying power of the meeting.

5) Start Small and Optimize in Small Increments

If this is your first stab at The Family Meeting start small. If you want to hop on this train for the first time, consider resisting the urge to put a weekly repeating event in the joint calendar, instead I recommend planning just one meeting for next month. Say you get in 3 your first year, that is 3 more than last year. If you already have regular or sporadic family meetings you could consider adding an agenda and making it a more regular thing, say once a week or once a month. If you already have a regular family meeting with an agenda, you could audit your process with a consultant or friend to help hone your family’s alignment to values and vision. My point here is the Family Meeting is an accessible vehicle for anyone, there is no wrong time to jump on and it can help you to move forward to a more enjoyable family pace and space.