What are the Core Values of your Family? 3 Reasons and 1 Roadmap to Start Having These Discussions.

It is unlikely that identifying your family’s core values will ever be an urgent or unavoidable task 😂. That means that if you want to have these discussions you have to find a way to create urgency.

Here are three reasons I create urgency for value clarification:

(1) Deep adversity is unavoidable in this life.

(2) Developing and deepening a clear understanding of my core values allows me to recover more quickly from adversity or depression, be better poised for opportunity, and have a richer experience of everyday life.

(3) Having these discussions as a couple or family unit magnifies the effect stated in (2).

So, what are core values?

Core values are the ideals or pursuits you consider essential for a life to be well-lived. They are worthy of your time and energy, even through resistance and adversity. Your core values are nestled at the root of those topics and activities you feel most passionate about. They can be a single word like 'dignity' or 'learning' or a simple phrase like 'people before profits'. Core values are considered the foundational building blocks of businesses and organizations. Most successful ones hire, fire, and scale by their core values.

Why are core values important to the family unit?

Most families have a strong (ish) sense of their values but few have taken pen to paper, explicitly discussing them with their partner, examining and prioritizing how to express them in their everyday lives. Many of us are not fully certain of our own personal values, sometimes choosing less then optimal ways of coping with this misalignment.

This lack of clarity within a family can be at the root of conflict and tension. For example, if one partner’s core value is financial security while the other partner priotitizes adventure and experiences (I may be speaking from personal experience here). Both values are foundational, productive, and worthwhile; both offer fruits downstream for the family, like rich shared memories, or the ability to pay for education. However, this couple may run into conflict and resentment with how they are spending their money. They may feel trapped and misunderstood and attributing negative motivations to their partner’s value expression.

These values can continually clash and erupt in the busy, stressful moments of family life if left unexamined: “she’s no fun” or “he doesn’t care about our future” can become “my needs don’t matter” a sentiment where few in the family will thrive. However, if this couple can share with openness and vulnerability, fully honouring (without judgement) that one of them craves adventure while another thrives with financial security, they can unlock a synergistic possibility. The way I view the world shifted when I internalized adventure as one of our family’s core values: I learned to ski, bought and fixed up a questionable motor-home, became a consultant for vision, mission, and values, and embarked on a master’s program. On the flip-side, James is demonstrably more engaged in our finances and I feel less alone in it and more likely to invest in adventuring.

Family life is different kind of demanding than business and so painfully close to our hearts. At times, It can feel almost impossible to keep my feet grounded on the deck of this vessel, let alone steady my vision, locate the helm, and right the ship. However, through practices of value clarification, I am able to see misalignment with honest eyes. I can raise my head above the chaos for just enough time to pinpoint foundational changes that ultimately calms the seas.

Here is The MLab Roadmap and MLab Values List for discerning and calibrating your family’s core values (PDFs attached below). This list likely won’t happen in one session. It might take you a year or more, it is a never-ending process but there will be fruit in even the smallest wedge of engagement.

MLab Value Clarification Roadmap

1) Read this blog (check).

a. If you have a partner or older children you want to include in this process, have them read this blog.

2) Set a date to discuss your family’s core values: put an event in the joint calendar, make a dessert reservation at a restaurant, create the conditions at home, or book a session with me (megan@mlabconsulting.ca) to facilitate a Zoom or in-person discussion with you and your partner. I suggest finding a way to make it appealing; find a way to make it matter to you if you cancel.

3) Prepare Yourself. At minimum bring paper and a pen! If you can print out two copies of The MLab Values List ahead of time great. If not transcribe two copies from your phone at the table. Give yourself a minute to tend to your business and THEN PUT YOUR PHONES AWAY. Trust me, the phones will not help this process. Resist the urge to look things up or check up on something or someone, your mind is likely looking for an out because this thinking can be difficult. Phones should not be on the table and smart-watches should be without notifications. Finally, cultivate curiosity for your partner’s perspective. Think about what you love about them. Remember, the best chance of being heard is by really listening.

4) Confirm Understanding. Quickly go through the lists together to make sure you both have a similar understanding for the words. In conflict, refer to the dictionary. If unresolved omit those words or email me for a session .

5) Now, take your time, take a sip or bite of something yummy, and choose 10 values that really resonate with you, be prepared to share a little story or reasoning of why they resonate.

6) Take turns sharing your list. Really prime yourself to listen with curiosity and desire to see merit. On a separate piece of paper write down the 20 values shared.

7) From those 20 values, together whittle it down to a list of 3-5 values. This may take some time or multiple discussions.

8) Once you have your list of 3-5 values. Make an acronym and commit them memory. For example, my core value acronym is DIG: Dignity, Integrity, Growth.

9) This is just the beginning. Now the work is to deepen and entrench those values. Engage with your partner about how your core values are showing up (or not showing up) in your daily life. The work is never done, but the problems will get better and the arguments more interesting🍋.

Clarifying Family Core Values.pdf

Download PDF • 128KB

The MLab Values List.pdf

Download PDF • 39KB